Diaries

Thoughts and feelings since Easter 2007.

Jan 28 2008 - The Baton

She's handing you the baton, she's finished her part of the race.

It's time for her to go, and find a happy, more peaceful place...

The baton will get you thru life, that's why she's letting it go, to you, her chosen, identical twin.

You, the daughter, must now resume the race.

Your mom has gone to heaven, she's left you in her place.

So pick up the baton, and run with the wind.

The places you will visit, already she has been.

You'll feel her gentle presence.

She'll know that you've been there.

Wait for that special feeling.

The one she always shared.

I find this cross so hard to bear.

The truth of her pain shows with every stare.

Dec 25 2007 - The First Christmas After A Death

"The Christmas cards," one of the women in the group said, and all the heads nodded slowly.

We had come together to talk about getting through the first Christmas after a loved one's death. The brochure had said "the first Christmas after," but some of us read it wrong. Grief knows no time frame.

"Christmas cards," I thought, my stomach churning.

I remembered the first Christmas after my son had died. 'What happened this year,' that's what you always write about. What happened this year is Chet died.

There were no Christmas cards that year.

The woman sitting in front of me turned and whispered, "My poor mother. Can you imagine what it will be like to not sign 'Martha and Fred' after 40 years?"

I couldn't imagine.

The leader kept trying to get us to talk about coping, but all we wanted to do was talk about our love ones. It is so sweet to hear their name.

Some things that can be said about that first Christmas (or whichever one it is) follow. I don't know that they'll help, but here they are:

1. When we grieve we have no energy.

Decisions are hard to make, the smallest chore seems monumental, ordinarily joyous things are not, things that used to bother you don't bother you any more, you don't defend yourself well, to pretend takes too much effort, and you need lots of rest. You will seek the solace of sleep.

2. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually -- supplements, eating right, rest, talking to someone, keeping your obligations manageable, getting exercise.

Your immune system will be shot. Outsource it. Therapy and support groups bolster your immune system.

3. You can cancel Christmas if you want to.

Sleep, take a walk, or study something intellectual.

4. You can also change the venue.

Celebrate on a cruise, or in a hotel.

5. People want to help you and they don't know how.

Nothing will help, you just want them back, but let others "do something". If they ask and you can't think of anything, ask them to "do something". They'll figure it out. Everyone knows houses must be cleaned, dogs walked, groceries bought, and meals prepared.

6. Alcohol doesn't help anything.

7. Explain what you need.

One woman wanted to have the traditional celebration in her home the first year, and another couldn't handle it at all. Half the women who'd lost husbands wanted to be called a "widow." The other half hated the word. How can people know unless you tell them?

Say, "If I get up and leave the table, just let me go. I'll be OK. I'll come back when I'm ready."

8. You might get some relief helping others - serving dinner to the homeless, or buying gifts for a needy family.

Then again you might not, but at least you'll have killed some time.

9. What will you do with their Christmas stocking?

One of the many jolts you'll get at this time will happen when it's time to hang up the stockings. One woman set out her husband's Christmas stocking with a journal beside it, inviting visitors to write in it. Another slept with her daughter's stocking under her pillow.

10. Avoid malls.

You see things you would buy for the one who is gone, you see the happy couples when you are no longer a couple, you see the cherubic face of a little boy who looks like the one you lost, and you hear music that makes you sick. Remember you can turn off the radio and TV.

The "firsts" are difficult. In the words of a caring friend of mine, "Have a Christmas." You may be hard put to supply the adjective, and that's okay.

Together our group had a beautiful holiday memorial to our loved ones. No one knows the author, but here it is: http://www.susandunn.cc/memorial.htm.

At the end you can speak their name.

Nov 17 2007

Sue made contact again this afternoon from the spirit world. I am having trouble moving on with my life without sue. again, as usual she always talks to me in the toilet, why?........... Because that is the only place on earth where i am quiet enough to receive information from such a deep, spiritual source.

Sue said, " rabbit, you have to let me go as far as the way that we were together before. you must move on and let me go."

I said, " no, no, no, sue. no, i can't do that yet. it is too soon."

Sue said, "Think about that last 12 hours of my life with you in the Kwest hotel bedroom. Remember what happened that night, April 9, 2007, starting at 8pm? I was screaming my head off with one hand reaching towards my dad in the portal of that one precise area upwards, towards the ceiling. and I had my other hand holding your arm. Remember what I was yelling? Daddy, Daddy, help me. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, help me. And at the same time I was pulling on your arm yelling Rabbit, Rabbit, help me. Please help me. I was fighting the forces that would either let me stay with you, or go to the spirit world with my dad. Think about it Rabbit. I 'let you go' that night, and went with my dad. Remember?. I let 'you' go. Now it's time for you to let me go, and live the rest of your life with some kind of happiness. Don't cry for me anymore. I am still in you, but am of no use to you while you are still existing in the physical world. I am now in the spiritual world, the 2 don't exist together, but apart. I let you go that night, so now it's you who has to let me go."

I said, "I'm not strong enough to go on without you. I am too afraid to live anymore. Afraid of life itself, and afraid of other human beings. I am alone accept for Jackie, Cathy, Anne, Jody and my parents. But you are the only reason I kept myself going and alive. Now I am no longer interested in being alive. I want to be with you."

Sue said, "Live your life with Jody, and be happy. I will always be with you for help in mental, emotional, and spiritual affairs. Just go on living and love my family and keep them in your life. They love you because you loved me."

I am astonished at her loss. Why, why, why!

I am there for the girls and their families forever, and me and Jody are gonna give it the best chance we can to pull me out of the hole I live in now.

I love you Sue....

Oct 28 2007

Last night Sue spoke to me in her spritual voice. I haven't heard from her in a few days, but her message last night was to say that I should not worry about her, and that I should move towards a more happy emotional state and start preparing to leave the grieving behind.

She said, "Rabbit, I have something to say"......

I said, " Sue, is that you?..... Are you there? "

Sue said, " Yes it's me. I am starting to disappear even further into my spirtual path, and will be fading more and more from you and the human universe."

I said, "No Sue, not yet."

Sue said, "Don't worry, I will always be with you."

I said, " But how will I know it's you? How will you communicate with me?"

She said, " I will be inside of you, in your body, in your mind, in your heart, and in your spirit. I will be as god and angels. In you, around you, and part of you. I am slipping further and further into the spirit world to do my work there. But you, and the ones I love, I will always be inside you all. I love you rabbit."

I simply cried and felt a bit of relief, only a bit, that Sue is still looking after me, the girls, and the world, doing her bit for the spritual side of all us human beings on earth. She still has a job to do, which she courageoulsy handled with her time on this earth as a human, only now she is working quietly in the background of all of our lives....... I thank sue for her love, and will look inside for her communications.

May 29 2007

I Have a new take on life now. Without your partner, nothing else matters, all that shit I thought was important before Sue died, well, it was all rubbish, all that money worry, tenseness, strain, I used to panic and start losing sleep three months before our Who tours ever started... All of it, totally a waste of space and time. Nothing on God's earth matters if your partner is no longer there to share it with you.

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